See, these are the moments when I am proud of having a secret underground bunker hidden on my property. When the world explodes after the United States government shuts down, I will be safe on my straw bed eating Twinkies and watching a pirated version of Rango. After the debris is gone, me and my artificial uterus will have to repopulate the world and recreate the human race. This is my US Shut Down Emergency Plan. Are you prepared?
Of course, we have no idea what to prepare for. The government hasn't shut down in around a decade. What should we expect? Well, here's pretty much what happens:
· Non-essential services stop like: NASA, toxic waste cleanup, etc.
o Oh no! How will we find aliens and clean their toxic poop?
· Applications for Firearm and Alcohol licenses will not be processed
o Oh no! I can't shoot anyone when I'm drunk!
· National parks will be closed
o Oh no! Homeless people will be without a home!
· Bankruptcy services will be suspended
o Oh no! People without any money or credit can't pretend to be broke!
· The CDC will no longer monitor diseases
o Oh no! ….This one is actually a little scary!
If you don't sense my sarcasm, then read that whole paragraph sarcastically and it might make more sense for you. Look, the government doesn't actually "Shut Down". Policeman will still protect you. Teachers will still teach. The hospitals will be open. But there are legitimate concerns. technically the military and border patrol will not be fully funded. Will they still do their jobs?
Yes. Yes they will. Border Patrol will patrol our borders even without pay. When Secretary of Defense went to Iraq he told the soldiers, "I always believed you should always pay the ones with guns first." He is pretty much right, though. And the military will receive half a paycheck until this shut down is over. But here's some things that are still going to be operating:
· Mail will be delivered
o Too bad no one mails anything anymore
· Taxes still need to be filed
o Cool, give the government money, cuz they know just what to do with it
· News channels will not stop reporting it
o Great. At least it's not Jersey Shore, cuz it's been sucking lately
All I can say, is that if we have each other we'll be fine. I know that sounds really weird and cliché, but the government can shut itself down, but it can't shut down our spirits! Well, I'm off to go sit in my bunker now. Peace.
Emmanuel Delfin
-Chief Political Editor
No comments:
Post a Comment